In Gratitude

In the past 20 days, I have learned more about gratitude than I have in my 30+ years of life. Because it turns out that eventually your walls are either broken down or just plain crumble, and you have no other choice but to depend on other people to hold you up.

Today I prematurely left a Crisis Response Team training that I was required to attend for work. I sat through the presentation thinking that maybe I could benefit from some crisis intervention. Maybe some crises aren't always something that happened, but rather something that is happening. Something that permeates every minute of your every day. Something that you dream about at night and wake up wondering, wishing that it was just a bad dream. I had to leave that training when I realized that I've spent the last 20 days in crisis mode. My family, has been in crisis mode. Because what is "crisis" except a total, involuntary sacrifice of control.

And yet, while every single day may seem like an entire year, we are lifted up again and again, by each other first and foremost, and then by people in our lives that touch us in often the most unpredictable, yet completely appropriate and necessary ways...

- Nurses that give Willa "jobs" and let her paint their nails.
- Doctors that tell us we are doing a good job.
- Friends that force sustenance and relaxation and laughs.
- Parents who are available for anything and everything.
- Bosses that flex our time and support our family.
- Daily snacks left on my desk at work.
- Siblings that send funny cards and texts and share the burden of pain.
- Work colleagues that don't accept no to a hug, and then let me cry into their hair.
- A fourth grade class that made the most touching cards for me AND "Wonder Willa."
- Blasts from our pasts that wear Willa bracelets with pride and pray for her everyday.
- The maintenance man at my work that lectures me daily about telling him what we need.
- MealTrain participants that bring not only meals, but treats for Finley (our afterthought).
- Church family and far-away friends that check in... and in and in until we check back.
- A purple princess halo sister that makes Willa just feel normal. 

I could go on. And it truly is the little things. The things that tell you people love you and are thinking of you every day, not just 20 days ago when this family crisis began or 24 days from now when it begins again. The things that cost the least. The things that you can say "thank you" for, but there really are no words to tell someone how they lifted you up at the most opportune time.

There will never be the right words. Because when Matt is with Willa and I'm with Jo, or Matt and Jo are home while I'm at the hospital with Willa, or when our parents split care for the girls so Matt and I can have more than 10 minutes a day to catch up... Our family is not whole. And we have gotten pretty damn good at making it seem like it's all good. And as far as our girls know, it IS all good. But we can't wait to be whole again. And in the meantime we're learning to accept help and support and love from all sorts of people we are blessed to know.

Thank you. Truly.

<3 4A