I'm laying in bed and sleep evades me... Consumed by thoughts of a sleepless night one year ago when we again entrusted only the best medical professionals with our 3-year-old warrior. For almost eight hours that next day, February 27th, we waited in patient hope and constant prayer that her small, intricate, highly abnormal cervical anatomy would allow the amazing Dr. D to fuse her skull to C-5, while the peds neuro monitored the safety of her delicate spinal cord. God willing, the surgery went off without a hitch.
But my baby. My first and most special baby. The sight of her in the post-op room could only bring flash blacks of nearly five years ago now when I saw her for the first time in the NICU. Wires and tubes everywhere, obscuring her face and covering her limbs. Except this time the halo. And rods. And vest. I fight rivers of tears every time I conjure this first look at her. I don't let myself think of it often.
And then not only did she go home less than a week later and walked unassisted the next day, after the PT told us she would never walk in halo alone, but she turned four in that halo. And went back to school in that halo. And impaled her hand with that halo. And slept in that halo. And had multiple x-rays and scans after falls in that halo. And had her hair washed in the sink with that halo. And then even after that she wasn't free to just be. That awful SOMI brace. We got so tired of telling her to "slow down" and "no running," that only she could've been more tired of hearing it.
Then that day came. That unexpected day Dr. D said she was ready to be brace-free... Everything was new again. Bathtime. Bedtime. Playtime. I'll never forget the first time we went to the park and none of the kids looked her weird. None of them backed away silently when she asked them to play. She was just another kid again, a mere 8 months later.
Lying in bed during the wee hours of this morning, a song jumped into my head. One I haven't thought about or heard since I was a child:
This is the day, this is the day
That the Lord has made, that the Lord has made.
Let us rejoice, let us rejoice
And be glad in it, and be glad in it.
This is the day that the Lord hath made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
This is the day, this is the day
That the Lord, hath, made.
If I've learned anything, it's not to worry about planning ahead. Too far at least. By all means feel free to have good intentions and a direction you want to go, but everyday and every journey will work itself out in due time. Not in YOUR time, but in His time. And it'll all be ok. And you'll all be better for it. In strange, unexpected, most important ways, you'll all be better for it.
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| "Me and Josie. We're wearing blue ninja costumes." (Willa, 2/26/15) |
